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Supreme Court Trans Sports Ruling Adopts Originalist Vision For JV Volleyball Rosters

2026-07-02T11:35:43+00:00

WASHINGTON—In a judgment the majority of justices said reflected the intentions of the Founding Fathers, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a 6-3 ruling this week that upheld state bans on transgender athletes, adopting an originalist vision for junior varsity volleyball rosters. “In their abundant wisdom, the authors of the Constitution methodically laid out the exact biological sex requirements necessary to sustain the nation’s developmental youth volleyball squads,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in the majority opinion, adding that while the clauses about golf and gymnastics left some room for interpretation, the language surrounding net sports was quite clear. “In [James] Madison’s early letters to colonial-era volleyball coaches, he outlined several offensive and defensive plays that would only work for teams composed entirely of cisgender players. Moreover, in the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson listed the inclusion of male-at-birth athletes participating in women’s sports as one of the colonies’ chief grievances against King George III.” Roberts also noted that the founders dedicated all of Article VIII of the Constitution to describing effective setting and passing drills.

LeBron Hopeful New Team Has One Of His Kids On It Too

2026-07-02T10:19:33+00:00

Guy Who Goes To Bar Every Day At 10 A.M. Must Be Huge Soccer Fan

2026-07-02T10:16:28+00:00

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the man could often be seen waiting outside O’Malley’s Tap with his hands shaking in anticipation before the doors even opened, sources confirmed Thursday that local 54-year-old Brian Munson, who goes to the bar every day at 10 a.m., must be a huge soccer fan. “You can just tell he lives and breathes the sport, because the second those morning matches come on, he’s already right there in his usual seat, downing pint after pint just like they do in Europe,” said bartender Kevin Lacey, adding that Munson’s love for the sport was so intense he often seemed physically unable to go a single morning without it, always showing up to watch whatever matches were on, regardless of whether he was a fan of the clubs playing. “Most American fans only care about soccer every four years, but Brian is the real deal. He’ll come in on a Tuesday morning and just bask in the glow of the TVs for hours on end while nursing his beers. He gets so invested that sometimes he’ll just sit there and quietly weep to himself, presumably because his favorite club lost. The guy’s a real soccerholic.” Lacey added that Munson typically stayed at the bar long after the matches had ended, because for true fans like him, soccer was more than just watching games—it was a whole way of life.

Trump Covers Up Low State Fair Attendance By Calling In Bomb Threat

2026-07-02T10:16:25+00:00

WASHINGTON—Claiming there were strings of explosive devices planted throughout the National Mall, President Donald Trump reportedly attempt to cover up low attendance at the Great American State Fair this week by calling in a bomb threat. “There’s a series of explosives in unmarked duffel bags all across the fairgrounds, which are beautiful by the way, so you’d better evacuate everyone as fast as you can, don’t even bother stopping to count how many people there are,” Trump said from his Oval Office phone, pinching his nose in an effort to disguise his voice. “You’ll regret it big time if all the attendees, however many there may possibly be, don’t flee back to their homes this instant. This incredibly successful and beloved event is officially over!” According to sources, the president concluded the warning by casually stating his name was Sleepy Joe Biden and then hanging up the receiver.

UC Berkeley Announces Nancy Pelosi Democracy Institute

2026-07-02T09:16:09+00:00

Upon the former House Speaker’s retirement from Congress, Nancy Pelosi and the University of California, Berkeley, will establish the Nancy Pelosi Institute for Representative Democracy, a nonpartisan organization “dedicated to strengthening American democracy.” What do you think?

“May it last long and never yield to younger, newer institutes.”
Ruth Wodehouse, Ham Glazer

“If it’s named after a woman, it’s already partisan.”
Erik Rostai, Unemployed

“And the best part is, she’s doing it anonymously.”
Tyler Seabrooke, Text Aligner

What To Know About ‘Elle’

2026-07-02T09:14:46+00:00

Elle, a new Legally Blonde prequel series on Amazon Prime Video, has premiered to mixed reviews. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the show.

Q: How is the story updated for 2026?

A: The story is now spread out over 16 more hours than it needed to be.

Q: What stereotypes does Elle subvert this time?

A: That a free market produces things people want.

Q: Does that chihuahua really like being dressed up and held like that?

A: Once the fifth CBD treat kicks in, he doesn’t even notice.

Q: Where can I watch it?

A: Elle will exclusively be streamed on mute in nail salons.

Q: Will Reese Witherspoon make a cameo?

A: Yes, if you watch Big Little Lies instead.

Agriculture Department Puts Trump’s Face On Soybeans

2026-07-02T05:00:00+00:00

The World Would Be A Much Different Place If Hillary Clinton Had Won The 2016 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest

2026-07-02T05:00:00+00:00

Over the past decade, many Americans have likely found themselves contemplating what life might have looked like if things had turned out otherwise for Hillary Clinton. Would we be richer? Would we be at war? One thing is certain: Had Secretary Clinton won the 2016 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, the world would be a much different place.

We might not be in the mess we are today had the 100th Anniversary Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest gone Hillary’s way back then. Especially if she managed to keep the title for eight years in a row.

Imagine for a moment that our former first lady, her signature pantsuit stained with condiments, had been the one hoisting the coveted Mustard Belt above her head that fateful afternoon. Imagine the look of pride and indigestion-induced pain on her face after she’d spent minute after minute dunking buns in water to choke down yet another frankfurter, knowing she would go down in “herstory” for eating dozens of 100% beef Coney Island hot dogs in rapid succession.

Needless to say, that’s not how things worked out.

We took it for granted at the time, but looking back, a smart, competent woman with a distended belly full of partially digested hot dog is exactly what America needed. A hardworking, no-nonsense girlboss whom the country could count on to roll up her sleeves, strap on a bib, and gobble up an impressive number of reconstituted meat trimmings when duty called.

What an inspiration that would have been to all the little girls watching at home, wondering if they too could someday grow up to consume vast amounts of tubed meat in a relatively short period of time—a victory for every little girl who has ever been told it’s “unladylike” to competitively gorge herself on organ paste pumped into a casing. That’s the world I want my own daughter to grow up in. I just wish she could have seen a confident role model like Hillary Clinton stuffing wet bun after wet bun into her mouth while clutching her bloated stomach as she desperately tried not to vomit.

Hindsight’s 20/20, I suppose.

I hate to indulge too deeply in a fantasy of “what could have been,” but when I see how bad things have gotten lately, with chaos and violence erupting in the streets, access to healthcare waning, and the nation growing more divided by the day, I can’t help but fantasize about an alternate timeline in which Hillary Clinton ate 40 to 50 hot dogs in under 10 minutes.

January 6. Ivermectin. The Iran war. Stormy Daniels. Would these terms even have entered our lexicon had an experienced secretary of state and former U.S. senator suppressed her natural gag reflex in order to pass large, unchewed chunks of hot dog down her gullet a decade ago?

Sure, her reign as hot dog eating world champion might have turned out to be very “by the book.” It might have even been dull by modern standards. But these days, with the world going so crazy, I’d give anything for a return to the simpler times, when our nation had an ethically grounded—dare I say sane—person we could rely on to pack her cheeks full of bread slurry better than anyone else.

Sometimes, I let myself wonder if things would have been different had she just gone to Michigan or Wisconsin to eat some bratwurst. But Hillary Clinton has always done things her own way, and there’s something respectable about wolfing down a sweaty pile of encased meat while keeping your principles intact.

Some critics may claim she never stood a chance and this is all wishful thinking—that she lacked the stomach capacity and jaw strength to succeed at that top level. But these are useless “whataboutisms” that can turn on a dime. One could just as easily argue that if her opponents had eaten too big a dinner the night before and woken up with searing heartburn, we would be living in a different world right now.

Besides, it’s daydreams like these, of Hillary breathlessly ingesting a near-lethal amount of sodium and nitrites in sausage form, that sustain me in tough times. They also make me hopeful for a better tomorrow, one where a Pete Buttigieg, JB Pritzker, or even Kamala Harris can be seen onstage at Coney Island, sweating and gasping in agony as they help make this world a better place through their hot dog consumption.

I just hope in 2028 we find someone who can eat the volume of franks needed to move our country in the right direction.

‘Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile’ Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens

2026-07-02T05:00:00+00:00

WASHINGTON—Displaying an uncanny comprehension of humanity’s power structures as they emerged from their interstellar spacecraft, a delegation of surprisingly politically informed aliens issued demands Tuesday to be taken to Earth’s biggest pedophile. “People of Earth, you will bring us before the massive child molester in charge of managing your planet’s affairs at once!” said Grelahr Xoxneb of the Galgax Nebula, who added that through years of studying radio and television broadcasts, he and his fellow aliens had familiarized themselves with the human custom of appointing the most prolific child sex offenders to positions of authority. “We understand that your people are ruled by those who have proven themselves most adept at preying upon the young of your species. You will therefore grant us audience with whoever among you has engaged in the greatest sexual abuse of minors, that he might negotiate your planet’s terms of surrender. And do not insult us by bringing us to a mere co-conspirator of your supreme molester! We obliterated the last planet who bade us speak to their equivalent of the one you call Dershowitz.” At press time, security analysts expressed suspicion that talks with the aliens had failed after Mar-a-Lago was vaporized in a burst of green light.

Police Suspect Gunman’s Motive Was To Kill Bunch Of People

2026-07-02T05:00:00+00:00

COLUMBIA, MO—Stressing that they could not yet pinpoint any definitive rationale, Columbia police chief David Elrod told reporters Monday that authorities suspected the motive of a gunman who carried out a weekend shooting spree was to kill a whole bunch of people. “After probing the assailant’s intentions for opening fire on the crowd, we’ve been able to surmise that his objective may well have been to shoot a lot of folks,” said Elrod, adding that while the case was still an ongoing investigation, murdering a large number of people really quickly seems to be the most persuasive explanation as to why the shooter would commit such a heinous act. “We don’t want to rush to any conclusions, but when the accused party yelled out, quote, ‘I’m going to kill every one of you motherfuckers,’ we believe this potentially indicated that his purpose was to kill everybody. We may never know for certain what exactly went through the perpetrator’s mind when he gunned down those innocent bystanders, but all evidence points to that being the goal.” Following a broader investigation, police were said to be exploring an alternative theory that the gunman didn’t intend to kill any people at all and his victims were simply collateral damage from his attempt to fire his gun as many times as possible while walking down a busy sidewalk.

Lakers Not Sure Where LeBron Got Badge And Gun He Just Turned In

2026-07-01T13:21:15+00:00

Basketball World Waiting With Bated Breath To See Where Sandro Mamukelashvili Signs

2026-07-01T08:58:26+00:00

Salivating Brewers Fans Chase Down Mascots In Sausage Race

2026-07-01T05:00:00+00:00

MILWAUKEE—Climbing down from the stands with mustard and ketchup packets clutched in their fists, dozens of rabid, salivating Milwaukee Brewers fans reportedly chased down the contestants in the traditional Johnsonville Sausage Race midway through Tuesday’s game. “They took after those sausages like a pack of wolves,” said Brewers outfielder Brandon Lockridge, recalling the unmistakable look of fear in the eyes of the last-place bratwurst as ravenous fans huffed closely behind shouting, “Get the brat!” and “Slow down, you mouthwatering fuck!” “I’ve never seen big dudes like that run so fast. You could tell they were really hungry.” Sources confirmed the mob came within feet of tackling the Polish sausage before they collapsed in exhaustion and spent the remaining innings dry-heaving behind home plate.

Harvard Faces Pressure To Fire Confederate Generals

2026-07-01T05:00:00+00:00

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Insisting any missteps be viewed in the full context of each individual’s contributions to the institution, Harvard University officials defended on Wednesday their decision to keep several confederate generals on the school’s teaching staff.

Last week, Harvard president Alan M. Garber told students in a campus-wide email that he had declined to discipline several dozen tenured professors who held prominent roles in the Confederate army between 1861 and 1865. Despite public backlash, including widespread campus protests and a petition signed by over 10,000 individuals, Garber has reiterated that the faculty members’ involvement in the Stonewall Brigade and the 43rd Battalion of Virginia Cavalry did not violate the university’s code of conduct and only contributed to Harvard’s rich diversity of thought.

“We assure you, we do not take our decision to employ professors like Gen. Stonewall Jackson and his fellow commanders lightly,” said Garber, adding that the men had pledged to separate their experience fighting gruesome battles along the Mason-Dixon Line from their academic studies. “We understand that some students feel uncomfortable being taught by Professor Jackson because of his significant role in the First Battle of Manassas. But that was 165 years ago.”

“Professor Jackson is a rigorous academic scholar who has since released most of his slaves,” Garber continued. “While it’s a sensitive subject for many students from the North, we hope they can learn to accept it.”

The generals, many of whom have had tenure at the university for more than a century and a half, faced renewed controversy this week when a student leaked a video that showed professor of economics Nathan Bedford Forrest standing at the front of his classroom in a Confederate uniform, calling a student “dirty Yankee,” and saying repeatedly that the South would rise again.

Although Forrest later issued a public apology stating that his actions were inappropriate, many students, alumni, and donors questioned how Confederate professors could claim to be “objective” while they still openly swore allegiance to Gen. Robert E. Lee, owned cotton plantations, and conceived dozens of children with female slaves.

Several of Forrest’s students, however, felt that their professor was being unfairly persecuted and told reporters he should not lose his tenure simply because he led troops who killed over 300 surrendering Black soldiers during the 1864 Fort Pillow Massacre, or because he was serving as the first grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan at the time he was hired as a lecturer at Harvard College.

“Personally, I feel that my Confederate professors are better than most of the non-Confederate professors,” said Harvard senior Zach Weelan, who argued that his classmates were “hyper-fixated” on how many thousands of Union soldiers the educators had slaughtered in cold blood. “So what if my professor was in the Confederate army? I don’t see how that conflicts with his ability to teach me American history.”

“My thesis advisor actually used
to be one of the ‘big four’ slave traders in Memphis, and his perspectives on whipping, branding, and forced family separations have been very refreshing,” Weelan added. “Why should I suffer just because my classmates are overly sensitive Union sympathizers?”

In an open letter to the university, dozens of the Confederate generals’ renowned colleagues, including Professor Heinrich Himmler, Professor Adolf Eichmann, and Professor Emeritus and Harvard Board of Overseers chair Pol Pot, pledged their support, claiming that the administration should not give in to the “woke” and “radical” agenda of a small fraction of students.

“These professors consistently receive rave reviews from many of our top-performing Aryan undergraduates,” Garber said. “It’s a slippery slope. If you fire someone just because they were in the Confederate army, then suddenly you have to fire someone just because they systematically imprisoned and murdered over 6 million Jews and other untermensch in a coordinated campaign across Nazi-occupied Europe. When does it end?”

“As a wise man once told me, ‘I wish I was in the land of cotton, old times there are not forgotten,’ ” Garber added. “ ‘Look away, look away, look away, Dixie Land.’ ”

Trump Indicates Desire For Speedy End To World

2026-07-01T05:00:00+00:00

WASHINGTON—Stating that he hoped action in the region would draw to a close in the coming weeks, President Donald Trump made comments Wednesday indicating his desire for a speedy end to the entire world. “We’re getting very close to meeting our objectives as we move toward winding down humanity’s presence on planet Earth,” Trump said during a press conference meant to address concerns over the world’s duration, adding that Americans didn’t want to get bogged down in a protracted existence with no clear end in sight. “It was never the plan to continue having life go on forever. We’re gonna hit those 8 billion sons of bitches with everything we’ve got and achieve total annihilation for the American people. Frankly, if it weren’t for the Democrats and the fake news media coverage, we could have wrapped this world up and moved on to the void already.” Trump went on to acknowledge that the GOP could face heavy midterm losses if the world was allowed to continue through November.

MAHA Voter Feels Betrayed By Continued Survival Of Own Children

2026-07-01T05:00:00+00:00

DAYTON, OH—Expressing disappointment with what she described as unfulfilled campaign promises, local Make America Healthy Again voter Sandra Murrow told reporters Tuesday that she felt betrayed by the continued survival of her own children. “I voted for Trump because I was sure RFK Jr.’s health policies would put my son and daughter in the dirt on day one, but lately, I’m starting to worry that my kids might make it to adulthood,” said Murrow, adding that in her view, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s vaccine skepticism, opposition to water fluoridation, and embrace of raw milk simply hadn’t gone far enough to endanger her kids. “I’ve always been a believer in dismantling public health infrastructure in favor of life-threatening pseudoscience, and I’m starting to feel like the GOP used that to take advantage of me with a bunch of hollow campaign-trail bluster.” “I had assumed this administration would take a much more active role in killing my children, but those measles outbreaks still haven’t made it to our school district,” she continued. “I voted for mass childhood mortality, dammit! How dare they tell me to be patient while my kids are thriving? If more children don’t start dying soon, Republicans are going to see a massive midterm backlash from parents like me who were expecting to be bereaved by now.” Murrow went on to state that she was considering moving her family to a place like Gaza or Iran where the American government takes killing children seriously.

Streaming vs. Theaters

2026-07-01T05:00:00+00:00

More Americans than ever are choosing to watch movies at home rather than going out to the theater. The Onion lays out the drawbacks and benefits of both experiences.

Concessions:
Streaming: 790 calories of stale crackers, spoonfuls of peanut butter, and shredded cheese.
Theaters: 790 calories of whatever 16-year-old theater employee didn’t confiscate.

Size Of Vin Diesel’s Head:
Streaming: Unacceptably small
Theaters: Gigantic, as God meant for it to be seen

Sound Quality:
Streaming: Tough to hear dialogue while cooking, vacuuming, and practicing drums
Theaters: Dental fillings shaken loose by sound of Coca-Cola ad

Screen Size:
Streaming: A giant 55 inches
Theaters: A middling 50 feet

Get To Walk By Pottery Barn Before Watching:
Streaming: Rarely
Theaters: Often

Worst Annoyance:
Streaming: Constant buffering
Theaters: Constant gunfire

Drawbacks:
Streaming: Rarely finish movie without encountering distraction
Theaters: Forced to finish movie without any distractions

Glen Powell:
Streaming: Yup, he’s here.
Theaters: Plenty of Powell here, too.

Thing You Wanted To See:
Streaming: Unavailable
Theaters: Sold Out

Dynamically Inserted Ads:
Streaming: In Use
Theaters: Just You Wait

Way To Cheat The System:
Streaming: Use friend’s login
Theaters: Wear homemade mask to resemble AMC Stubs member

Quality Of Films:
Streaming: Terrible, formulaic movies made with shoestring budgets
Theaters: Terrible, formulaic movies made with $100 million budgets

Feeling Afterward:
Streaming: Wish you saw it in a theater
Theaters: Wish you just stayed home

Damn It, Mom’s Totally Going To Make You Host Christmas Now

2026-07-01T05:00:00+00:00

A large airy kitchen like this, with ample room for seating? Mom’s definitely going to say it’s time for your generation to start hosting holidays.

Reference #33813

Anya Lopez and Sara Jarrett

2026-07-01T05:00:00+00:00

The two tied the knot after four years of dating and three years of Jarrett carefully excavating every slice of cake she received to look for a ring.

Anti-Vaxxer Dating App Gaining Popularity

2026-07-01T05:00:00+00:00

Unjected, a dating app for unvaccinated people that began in 2021, has been gaining popularity, currently boasting 65,000 active users. What do you think?

“Perfect, I’ve been looking for something more short-term.”
David Yee, Systems Analyst

“What a fun ‘how we met’ story to tell your kids if they get older.”
Ella Abrams, Tortilla Steamer

“I am riddled with plague and absolutely cleaning up.”
Howard Gautier, Hook Baiter