{"version": "https://jsonfeed.org/version/1.1", "title": "\u0447\u0443\u0448\u044c2", "feed_url": "https://theonion.com/", "home_page_url": "74", "description": "The Onion", "icon": null, "favicon": null, "authors": [{"name": "Unknown", "url": null, "avatar": null}], "language": null, "expired": null, "hub": null, "items": [{"id": "https://theonion.com/supreme-court-trans-sports-ruling-adopts-originalist-vision-for-jv-volleyball-rosters/", "url": "https://theonion.com/supreme-court-trans-sports-ruling-adopts-originalist-vision-for-jv-volleyball-rosters/", "external_url": null, "title": "Supreme Court Trans Sports Ruling Adopts Originalist Vision For JV Volleyball Rosters", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

WASHINGTON\u2014In a judgment the majority of justices said reflected the intentions of the Founding Fathers, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a 6-3 ruling this week that upheld state bans on transgender athletes, adopting an originalist vision for junior varsity volleyball rosters. \u201cIn their abundant wisdom, the authors of the Constitution methodically laid out the exact biological sex requirements necessary to sustain the nation\u2019s developmental youth volleyball squads,\u201d Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in the majority opinion, adding that while the clauses about golf and gymnastics left some room for interpretation, the language surrounding net sports was quite clear. \u201cIn [James] Madison\u2019s early letters to colonial-era volleyball coaches, he outlined several offensive and defensive plays that would only work for teams composed entirely of cisgender players. Moreover, in the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson listed the inclusion of male-at-birth athletes participating in women\u2019s sports as one of the colonies\u2019 chief grievances against King George III.\u201d Roberts also noted that the founders dedicated all of Article VIII of the Constitution to describing effective setting and passing drills.

", "summary": "

WASHINGTON\u2014In a judgment the majority of justices said reflected the intentions of the Founding Fathers, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a 6-3 ruling this week that upheld state bans on transgender athletes, adopting an originalist vision for junior varsity volleyball rosters. \u201cIn their abundant wisdom, the authors of the Constitution methodically laid out the exact biological sex requirements necessary to sustain the nation\u2019s developmental youth volleyball squads,\u201d Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in the majority opinion, adding that while the clauses about golf and gymnastics left some room for interpretation, the language surrounding net sports was quite clear. \u201cIn [James] Madison\u2019s early letters to colonial-era volleyball coaches, he outlined several offensive and defensive plays that would only work for teams composed entirely of cisgender players. Moreover, in the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson listed the inclusion of male-at-birth athletes participating in women\u2019s sports as one of the colonies\u2019 chief grievances against King George III.\u201d Roberts also noted that the founders dedicated all of Article VIII of the Constitution to describing effective setting and passing drills.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-02T11:35:43Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-02T11:35:43Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/lebron-hopeful-new-team-has-one-of-his-kids-on-it-too/", "url": "https://theonion.com/lebron-hopeful-new-team-has-one-of-his-kids-on-it-too/", "external_url": null, "title": "LeBron Hopeful New Team Has One Of His Kids On It Too", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

", "summary": "

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-02T10:19:33Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-02T10:19:33Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/guy-who-goes-to-bar-every-day-at-10-a-m-must-be-huge-soccer-fan/", "url": "https://theonion.com/guy-who-goes-to-bar-every-day-at-10-a-m-must-be-huge-soccer-fan/", "external_url": null, "title": "Guy Who Goes To Bar Every Day At 10 A.M. Must Be Huge Soccer Fan", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

PITTSBURGH\u2014Noting that the man could often be seen waiting outside O\u2019Malley\u2019s Tap with his hands shaking in anticipation before the doors even opened, sources confirmed Thursday that local 54-year-old Brian Munson, who goes to the bar every day at 10 a.m., must be a huge soccer fan. \u201cYou can just tell he lives and breathes the sport, because the second those morning matches come on, he\u2019s already right there in his usual seat, downing pint after pint just like they do in Europe,\u201d said bartender Kevin Lacey, adding that Munson\u2019s love for the sport was so intense he often seemed physically unable to go a single morning without it, always showing up to watch whatever matches were on, regardless of whether he was a fan of the clubs playing. \u201cMost American fans only care about soccer every four years, but Brian is the real deal. He\u2019ll come in on a Tuesday morning and just bask in the glow of the TVs for hours on end while nursing his beers. He gets so invested that sometimes he\u2019ll just sit there and quietly weep to himself, presumably because his favorite club lost. The guy\u2019s a real soccerholic.\u201d Lacey added that Munson typically stayed at the bar long after the matches had ended, because for true fans like him, soccer was more than just watching games\u2014it was a whole way of life.

", "summary": "

PITTSBURGH\u2014Noting that the man could often be seen waiting outside O\u2019Malley\u2019s Tap with his hands shaking in anticipation before the doors even opened, sources confirmed Thursday that local 54-year-old Brian Munson, who goes to the bar every day at 10 a.m., must be a huge soccer fan. \u201cYou can just tell he lives and breathes the sport, because the second those morning matches come on, he\u2019s already right there in his usual seat, downing pint after pint just like they do in Europe,\u201d said bartender Kevin Lacey, adding that Munson\u2019s love for the sport was so intense he often seemed physically unable to go a single morning without it, always showing up to watch whatever matches were on, regardless of whether he was a fan of the clubs playing. \u201cMost American fans only care about soccer every four years, but Brian is the real deal. He\u2019ll come in on a Tuesday morning and just bask in the glow of the TVs for hours on end while nursing his beers. He gets so invested that sometimes he\u2019ll just sit there and quietly weep to himself, presumably because his favorite club lost. The guy\u2019s a real soccerholic.\u201d Lacey added that Munson typically stayed at the bar long after the matches had ended, because for true fans like him, soccer was more than just watching games\u2014it was a whole way of life.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-02T10:16:28Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-02T10:16:28Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/trump-covers-up-low-state-fair-attendance-by-calling-in-bomb-threat/", "url": "https://theonion.com/trump-covers-up-low-state-fair-attendance-by-calling-in-bomb-threat/", "external_url": null, "title": "Trump Covers Up Low State Fair Attendance By Calling In Bomb Threat", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

WASHINGTON\u2014Claiming there were strings of explosive devices planted throughout the National Mall, President Donald Trump reportedly attempt to cover up low attendance at the Great American State Fair this week by calling in a bomb threat. \u201cThere’s a series of explosives in unmarked duffel bags all across the fairgrounds, which are beautiful by the way, so you\u2019d better evacuate everyone as fast as you can, don\u2019t even bother stopping to count how many people there are,\u201d Trump said from his Oval Office phone, pinching his nose in an effort to disguise his voice. \u201cYou\u2019ll regret it big time if all the attendees, however many there may possibly be, don\u2019t flee back to their homes this instant. This incredibly successful and beloved event is officially over!\u201d According to sources, the president concluded the warning by casually stating his name was Sleepy Joe Biden and then hanging up the receiver.

", "summary": "

WASHINGTON\u2014Claiming there were strings of explosive devices planted throughout the National Mall, President Donald Trump reportedly attempt to cover up low attendance at the Great American State Fair this week by calling in a bomb threat. \u201cThere’s a series of explosives in unmarked duffel bags all across the fairgrounds, which are beautiful by the way, so you\u2019d better evacuate everyone as fast as you can, don\u2019t even bother stopping to count how many people there are,\u201d Trump said from his Oval Office phone, pinching his nose in an effort to disguise his voice. \u201cYou\u2019ll regret it big time if all the attendees, however many there may possibly be, don\u2019t flee back to their homes this instant. This incredibly successful and beloved event is officially over!\u201d According to sources, the president concluded the warning by casually stating his name was Sleepy Joe Biden and then hanging up the receiver.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-02T10:16:25Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-02T10:16:25Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/uc-berkeley-announces-nancy-pelosi-democracy-institute/", "url": "https://theonion.com/uc-berkeley-announces-nancy-pelosi-democracy-institute/", "external_url": null, "title": "UC Berkeley Announces Nancy Pelosi Democracy Institute", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

Upon the former House Speaker\u2019s retirement from Congress, Nancy Pelosi and the University of California, Berkeley, will establish the Nancy Pelosi Institute for Representative Democracy, a nonpartisan organization \u201cdedicated to strengthening American democracy.\u201d What do you think?

\"\"

\u201cMay it last long and never yield to younger, newer institutes.\u201d

Ruth Wodehouse, Ham Glazer
\"\"

\u201cIf it\u2019s named after a woman, it\u2019s already partisan.\u201d

Erik Rostai, Unemployed
\"\"

\u201cAnd the best part is, she\u2019s doing it anonymously.\u201d

Tyler Seabrooke, Text Aligner
", "summary": "

Upon the former House Speaker\u2019s retirement from Congress, Nancy Pelosi and the University of California, Berkeley, will establish the Nancy Pelosi Institute for Representative Democracy, a nonpartisan organization \u201cdedicated to strengthening American democracy.\u201d What do you think?

\"\"

\u201cMay it last long and never yield to younger, newer institutes.\u201d

Ruth Wodehouse, Ham Glazer
\"\"

\u201cIf it\u2019s named after a woman, it\u2019s already partisan.\u201d

Erik Rostai, Unemployed
\"\"

\u201cAnd the best part is, she\u2019s doing it anonymously.\u201d

Tyler Seabrooke, Text Aligner
", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-02T09:16:09Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-02T09:16:09Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-elle/", "url": "https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-elle/", "external_url": null, "title": "What To Know About \u2018Elle\u2019", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

Elle, a new Legally Blonde prequel series on Amazon Prime Video, has premiered to mixed reviews. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the show.

Q: How is the story updated for 2026?

A: The story is now spread out over 16 more hours than it needed to be.

Q: What stereotypes does Elle subvert this time?

A: That a free market produces things people want.

Q: Does that chihuahua really like being dressed up and held like that?

A: Once the fifth CBD treat kicks in, he doesn\u2019t even notice.

Q: Where can I watch it?

A: Elle will exclusively be streamed on mute in nail salons.

Q: Will Reese Witherspoon make a cameo?

A: Yes, if you watch Big Little Lies instead.

", "summary": "

Elle, a new Legally Blonde prequel series on Amazon Prime Video, has premiered to mixed reviews. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the show.

Q: How is the story updated for 2026?

A: The story is now spread out over 16 more hours than it needed to be.

Q: What stereotypes does Elle subvert this time?

A: That a free market produces things people want.

Q: Does that chihuahua really like being dressed up and held like that?

A: Once the fifth CBD treat kicks in, he doesn\u2019t even notice.

Q: Where can I watch it?

A: Elle will exclusively be streamed on mute in nail salons.

Q: Will Reese Witherspoon make a cameo?

A: Yes, if you watch Big Little Lies instead.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-02T09:14:46Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-02T09:14:46Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/agriculture-department-puts-trumps-face-on-soybeans/", "url": "https://theonion.com/agriculture-department-puts-trumps-face-on-soybeans/", "external_url": null, "title": "Agriculture Department Puts Trump\u2019s Face On Soybeans", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

", "summary": "

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-02T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-02T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/the-world-would-be-a-much-different-place-if-hillary-clinton-had-won-the-2016-nathans-hot-dog-eating-contest/", "url": "https://theonion.com/the-world-would-be-a-much-different-place-if-hillary-clinton-had-won-the-2016-nathans-hot-dog-eating-contest/", "external_url": null, "title": "The World Would Be A Much Different Place If Hillary Clinton Had Won The 2016 Nathan\u2019s Hot Dog Eating Contest", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

Over the past decade, many Americans have likely found themselves contemplating what life might have looked like if things had turned out otherwise for Hillary Clinton. Would we be richer? Would we be at war? One thing is certain: Had Secretary Clinton won the 2016 Nathan\u2019s Hot Dog Eating Contest, the world would be a much different place.

We might not be in the mess we are today had the 100th Anniversary Nathan\u2019s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest gone Hillary\u2019s way back then. Especially if she managed to keep the title for eight years in a row.

Imagine for a moment that our former first lady, her signature pantsuit stained with condiments, had been the one hoisting the coveted Mustard Belt above her head that fateful afternoon. Imagine the look of pride and indigestion-induced pain on her face after she\u2019d spent minute after minute dunking buns in water to choke down yet another frankfurter, knowing she would go down in \u201cherstory\u201d for eating dozens of 100% beef Coney Island hot dogs in rapid succession.

Needless to say, that\u2019s not how things worked out.

We took it for granted at the time, but looking back, a smart, competent woman with a distended belly full of partially digested hot dog is exactly what America needed. A hardworking, no-nonsense girlboss whom the country could count on to roll up her sleeves, strap on a bib, and gobble up an impressive number of reconstituted meat trimmings when duty called.

What an inspiration that would have been to all the little girls watching at home, wondering if they too could someday grow up to consume vast amounts of tubed meat in a relatively short period of time\u2014a victory for every little girl who has ever been told it\u2019s \u201cunladylike\u201d to competitively gorge herself on organ paste pumped into a casing. That\u2019s the world I want my own daughter to grow up in. I just wish she could have seen a confident role model like Hillary Clinton stuffing wet bun after wet bun into her mouth while clutching her bloated stomach as she desperately tried not to vomit.

Hindsight\u2019s 20/20, I suppose.

I hate to indulge too deeply in a fantasy of \u201cwhat could have been,\u201d but when I see how bad things have gotten lately, with chaos and violence erupting in the streets, access to healthcare waning, and the nation growing more divided by the day, I can\u2019t help but fantasize about an alternate timeline in which Hillary Clinton ate 40 to 50 hot dogs in under 10 minutes.

January 6. Ivermectin. The Iran war. Stormy Daniels. Would these terms even have entered our lexicon had an experienced secretary of state and former U.S. senator suppressed her natural gag reflex in order to pass large, unchewed chunks of hot dog down her gullet a decade ago?

Sure, her reign as hot dog eating world champion might have turned out to be very \u201cby the book.\u201d It might have even been dull by modern standards. But these days, with the world going so crazy, I\u2019d give anything for a return to the simpler times, when our nation had an ethically grounded\u2014dare I say sane\u2014person we could rely on to pack her cheeks full of bread slurry better than anyone else.

Sometimes, I let myself wonder if things would have been different had she just gone to Michigan or Wisconsin to eat some bratwurst. But Hillary Clinton has always done things her own way, and there\u2019s something respectable about wolfing down a sweaty pile of encased meat while keeping your principles intact.

Some critics may claim she never stood a chance and this is all wishful thinking\u2014that she lacked the stomach capacity and jaw strength to succeed at that top level. But these are useless \u201cwhataboutisms\u201d that can turn on a dime. One could just as easily argue that if her opponents had eaten too big a dinner the night before and woken up with searing heartburn, we would be living in a different world right now.

Besides, it\u2019s daydreams like these, of Hillary breathlessly ingesting a near-lethal amount of sodium and nitrites in sausage form, that sustain me in tough times. They also make me hopeful for a better tomorrow, one where a Pete Buttigieg, JB Pritzker, or even Kamala Harris can be seen onstage at Coney Island, sweating and gasping in agony as they help make this world a better place through their hot dog consumption.

I just hope in 2028 we find someone who can eat the volume of franks needed to move our country in the right direction. 

", "summary": "

Over the past decade, many Americans have likely found themselves contemplating what life might have looked like if things had turned out otherwise for Hillary Clinton. Would we be richer? Would we be at war? One thing is certain: Had Secretary Clinton won the 2016 Nathan\u2019s Hot Dog Eating Contest, the world would be a much different place.

We might not be in the mess we are today had the 100th Anniversary Nathan\u2019s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest gone Hillary\u2019s way back then. Especially if she managed to keep the title for eight years in a row.

Imagine for a moment that our former first lady, her signature pantsuit stained with condiments, had been the one hoisting the coveted Mustard Belt above her head that fateful afternoon. Imagine the look of pride and indigestion-induced pain on her face after she\u2019d spent minute after minute dunking buns in water to choke down yet another frankfurter, knowing she would go down in \u201cherstory\u201d for eating dozens of 100% beef Coney Island hot dogs in rapid succession.

Needless to say, that\u2019s not how things worked out.

We took it for granted at the time, but looking back, a smart, competent woman with a distended belly full of partially digested hot dog is exactly what America needed. A hardworking, no-nonsense girlboss whom the country could count on to roll up her sleeves, strap on a bib, and gobble up an impressive number of reconstituted meat trimmings when duty called.

What an inspiration that would have been to all the little girls watching at home, wondering if they too could someday grow up to consume vast amounts of tubed meat in a relatively short period of time\u2014a victory for every little girl who has ever been told it\u2019s \u201cunladylike\u201d to competitively gorge herself on organ paste pumped into a casing. That\u2019s the world I want my own daughter to grow up in. I just wish she could have seen a confident role model like Hillary Clinton stuffing wet bun after wet bun into her mouth while clutching her bloated stomach as she desperately tried not to vomit.

Hindsight\u2019s 20/20, I suppose.

I hate to indulge too deeply in a fantasy of \u201cwhat could have been,\u201d but when I see how bad things have gotten lately, with chaos and violence erupting in the streets, access to healthcare waning, and the nation growing more divided by the day, I can\u2019t help but fantasize about an alternate timeline in which Hillary Clinton ate 40 to 50 hot dogs in under 10 minutes.

January 6. Ivermectin. The Iran war. Stormy Daniels. Would these terms even have entered our lexicon had an experienced secretary of state and former U.S. senator suppressed her natural gag reflex in order to pass large, unchewed chunks of hot dog down her gullet a decade ago?

Sure, her reign as hot dog eating world champion might have turned out to be very \u201cby the book.\u201d It might have even been dull by modern standards. But these days, with the world going so crazy, I\u2019d give anything for a return to the simpler times, when our nation had an ethically grounded\u2014dare I say sane\u2014person we could rely on to pack her cheeks full of bread slurry better than anyone else.

Sometimes, I let myself wonder if things would have been different had she just gone to Michigan or Wisconsin to eat some bratwurst. But Hillary Clinton has always done things her own way, and there\u2019s something respectable about wolfing down a sweaty pile of encased meat while keeping your principles intact.

Some critics may claim she never stood a chance and this is all wishful thinking\u2014that she lacked the stomach capacity and jaw strength to succeed at that top level. But these are useless \u201cwhataboutisms\u201d that can turn on a dime. One could just as easily argue that if her opponents had eaten too big a dinner the night before and woken up with searing heartburn, we would be living in a different world right now.

Besides, it\u2019s daydreams like these, of Hillary breathlessly ingesting a near-lethal amount of sodium and nitrites in sausage form, that sustain me in tough times. They also make me hopeful for a better tomorrow, one where a Pete Buttigieg, JB Pritzker, or even Kamala Harris can be seen onstage at Coney Island, sweating and gasping in agony as they help make this world a better place through their hot dog consumption.

I just hope in 2028 we find someone who can eat the volume of franks needed to move our country in the right direction. 

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-02T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-02T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/take-us-to-your-biggest-pedophile-demand-surprisingly-politically-informed-aliens/", "url": "https://theonion.com/take-us-to-your-biggest-pedophile-demand-surprisingly-politically-informed-aliens/", "external_url": null, "title": "\u2018Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile\u2019 Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

WASHINGTON\u2014Displaying an uncanny comprehension of humanity\u2019s power structures as they emerged from their interstellar spacecraft, a delegation of surprisingly politically informed aliens issued demands Tuesday to be taken to Earth\u2019s biggest pedophile.\u00a0\u201cPeople of Earth, you will bring us before the massive child molester in charge of managing your planet\u2019s affairs at once!\u201d said Grelahr Xoxneb of the Galgax Nebula, who added that through years of studying radio and television broadcasts, he and his fellow aliens had familiarized themselves with the human custom of appointing the most prolific child sex offenders to positions of authority. \u201cWe understand that your people are ruled by those who have proven themselves most adept at preying upon the young of your species. You will therefore grant us audience with whoever among you has engaged in the greatest sexual abuse of minors, that he might negotiate your planet\u2019s terms of surrender. And do not insult us by bringing us to a mere co-conspirator of your supreme molester! We obliterated the last planet who bade us speak to their equivalent of the one you call Dershowitz.\u201d\u00a0At press time, security analysts expressed suspicion that talks with the aliens had failed after Mar-a-Lago was vaporized in a burst of green light.\u00a0

", "summary": "

WASHINGTON\u2014Displaying an uncanny comprehension of humanity\u2019s power structures as they emerged from their interstellar spacecraft, a delegation of surprisingly politically informed aliens issued demands Tuesday to be taken to Earth\u2019s biggest pedophile.\u00a0\u201cPeople of Earth, you will bring us before the massive child molester in charge of managing your planet\u2019s affairs at once!\u201d said Grelahr Xoxneb of the Galgax Nebula, who added that through years of studying radio and television broadcasts, he and his fellow aliens had familiarized themselves with the human custom of appointing the most prolific child sex offenders to positions of authority. \u201cWe understand that your people are ruled by those who have proven themselves most adept at preying upon the young of your species. You will therefore grant us audience with whoever among you has engaged in the greatest sexual abuse of minors, that he might negotiate your planet\u2019s terms of surrender. And do not insult us by bringing us to a mere co-conspirator of your supreme molester! We obliterated the last planet who bade us speak to their equivalent of the one you call Dershowitz.\u201d\u00a0At press time, security analysts expressed suspicion that talks with the aliens had failed after Mar-a-Lago was vaporized in a burst of green light.\u00a0

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-02T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-02T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/police-suspect-gunmans-motive-was-to-kill-bunch-of-people/", "url": "https://theonion.com/police-suspect-gunmans-motive-was-to-kill-bunch-of-people/", "external_url": null, "title": "Police Suspect Gunman\u2019s Motive Was To Kill Bunch Of People", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

COLUMBIA, MO\u2014Stressing that they could not yet pinpoint any definitive rationale, Columbia police chief David Elrod told reporters Monday that authorities suspected the motive of a gunman who carried out a weekend shooting spree was to kill a whole bunch of people.\u00a0\u201cAfter probing the assailant\u2019s intentions for opening fire on the crowd, we\u2019ve been able to surmise that his objective may well have been to shoot a lot of folks,\u201d said Elrod, adding that while the case was still an ongoing investigation, murdering a large number of people really quickly seems to be the most persuasive explanation as to why the shooter would commit such a heinous act. \u201cWe don\u2019t want to rush to any conclusions, but when the accused party yelled out, quote, \u2018I\u2019m going to kill every one of you motherfuckers,\u2019 we believe this potentially indicated that his purpose was to kill everybody. We may never know for certain what exactly went through the perpetrator\u2019s mind when he gunned down those innocent bystanders, but all evidence points to that being the goal.\u201d\u00a0Following a broader investigation, police were said to be exploring an alternative theory that the gunman didn\u2019t intend to kill any people at all and his victims were simply collateral damage from his attempt to fire his gun as many times as possible while walking down a busy sidewalk.\u00a0

", "summary": "

COLUMBIA, MO\u2014Stressing that they could not yet pinpoint any definitive rationale, Columbia police chief David Elrod told reporters Monday that authorities suspected the motive of a gunman who carried out a weekend shooting spree was to kill a whole bunch of people.\u00a0\u201cAfter probing the assailant\u2019s intentions for opening fire on the crowd, we\u2019ve been able to surmise that his objective may well have been to shoot a lot of folks,\u201d said Elrod, adding that while the case was still an ongoing investigation, murdering a large number of people really quickly seems to be the most persuasive explanation as to why the shooter would commit such a heinous act. \u201cWe don\u2019t want to rush to any conclusions, but when the accused party yelled out, quote, \u2018I\u2019m going to kill every one of you motherfuckers,\u2019 we believe this potentially indicated that his purpose was to kill everybody. We may never know for certain what exactly went through the perpetrator\u2019s mind when he gunned down those innocent bystanders, but all evidence points to that being the goal.\u201d\u00a0Following a broader investigation, police were said to be exploring an alternative theory that the gunman didn\u2019t intend to kill any people at all and his victims were simply collateral damage from his attempt to fire his gun as many times as possible while walking down a busy sidewalk.\u00a0

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-02T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-02T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/lakers-not-sure-where-lebron-got-badge-and-gun-he-just-turned-in/", "url": "https://theonion.com/lakers-not-sure-where-lebron-got-badge-and-gun-he-just-turned-in/", "external_url": null, "title": "Lakers Not Sure Where LeBron Got Badge And Gun He Just Turned In", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

", "summary": "

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-01T13:21:15Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-01T13:21:15Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/basketball-world-waiting-with-bated-breath-to-see-where-sandro-mamukelashvili-signs/", "url": "https://theonion.com/basketball-world-waiting-with-bated-breath-to-see-where-sandro-mamukelashvili-signs/", "external_url": null, "title": "Basketball World Waiting With Bated Breath To See Where Sandro Mamukelashvili Signs", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

", "summary": "

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-01T08:58:26Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-01T08:58:26Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/salivating-brewers-fans-chase-down-mascots-in-sausage-race/", "url": "https://theonion.com/salivating-brewers-fans-chase-down-mascots-in-sausage-race/", "external_url": null, "title": "Salivating Brewers Fans Chase Down Mascots In Sausage Race", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

MILWAUKEE\u2014Climbing down from the stands with mustard and ketchup packets clutched in their fists, dozens of rabid, salivating Milwaukee Brewers fans reportedly chased down the contestants in the traditional Johnsonville Sausage Race midway through Tuesday\u2019s game.\u00a0\u201cThey took after those sausages like a pack of wolves,\u201d said Brewers outfielder Brandon Lockridge, recalling the unmistakable look of fear in the eyes of the last-place bratwurst as ravenous fans huffed closely behind shouting, \u201cGet the brat!\u201d and \u201cSlow down, you mouthwatering fuck!\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve never seen big dudes like that run so fast. You could tell they were really hungry.\u201d\u00a0Sources confirmed the mob came within feet of tackling the Polish sausage before they collapsed in exhaustion and spent the remaining innings dry-heaving behind home plate.\u00a0

", "summary": "

MILWAUKEE\u2014Climbing down from the stands with mustard and ketchup packets clutched in their fists, dozens of rabid, salivating Milwaukee Brewers fans reportedly chased down the contestants in the traditional Johnsonville Sausage Race midway through Tuesday\u2019s game.\u00a0\u201cThey took after those sausages like a pack of wolves,\u201d said Brewers outfielder Brandon Lockridge, recalling the unmistakable look of fear in the eyes of the last-place bratwurst as ravenous fans huffed closely behind shouting, \u201cGet the brat!\u201d and \u201cSlow down, you mouthwatering fuck!\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve never seen big dudes like that run so fast. You could tell they were really hungry.\u201d\u00a0Sources confirmed the mob came within feet of tackling the Polish sausage before they collapsed in exhaustion and spent the remaining innings dry-heaving behind home plate.\u00a0

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/harvard-faces-pressure-to-fire-confederate-generals/", "url": "https://theonion.com/harvard-faces-pressure-to-fire-confederate-generals/", "external_url": null, "title": "Harvard Faces Pressure To Fire Confederate Generals", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

CAMBRIDGE, MA\u2014Insisting any missteps be viewed in the full context of each individual\u2019s contributions to the institution, Harvard University officials defended on Wednesday their decision to keep several confederate generals on the school\u2019s teaching staff.

Last week, Harvard president Alan M. Garber told students in a campus-wide email that he had declined to discipline several dozen tenured professors who held prominent roles in the Confederate army between 1861 and 1865. Despite public backlash, including widespread campus protests and a petition signed by over 10,000 individuals, Garber has reiterated that the faculty members\u2019 involvement in the Stonewall Brigade and the 43rd Battalion of Virginia Cavalry did not violate the university\u2019s code of conduct and only contributed to Harvard\u2019s rich diversity of thought.

\u201cWe assure you, we do not take our decision to employ professors like Gen. Stonewall Jackson and his fellow commanders lightly,\u201d said Garber, adding that the men had pledged to separate their experience fighting gruesome battles along the Mason-Dixon Line from their academic\u00a0studies. \u201cWe understand that some students feel uncomfortable being taught by Professor Jackson because of his significant role in the First Battle of Manassas. But that was 165 years ago.\u201d

\u201cProfessor Jackson is a rigorous academic scholar who has since released most of his slaves,\u201d Garber continued. \u201cWhile it\u2019s a sensitive subject for many students from the North, we hope they can learn to accept it.\u201d

The generals, many of whom have had tenure at the university for more than a century and a half, faced renewed controversy this week when a student leaked a video that showed professor of economics Nathan Bedford Forrest standing at the front of his classroom in a Confederate uniform, calling a student \u201cdirty Yankee,\u201d and saying repeatedly that the South would rise again.

Although Forrest later issued a public apology stating that his actions were inappropriate, many students, alumni, and donors questioned how Confederate professors could claim to be \u201cobjective\u201d while they still openly swore allegiance to Gen. Robert E. Lee, owned cotton plantations, and conceived dozens of children with female slaves.

Several of Forrest\u2019s students, however, felt that their professor was being unfairly persecuted and told reporters he should not lose his tenure simply because he led troops who killed over 300 surrendering Black soldiers during the 1864 Fort Pillow Massacre, or because he was serving as the first grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan at the time he was hired as a lecturer at Harvard College.

\u201cPersonally, I feel that my Confederate professors are better than most of the non-Confederate professors,\u201d said Harvard senior Zach Weelan, who argued that his classmates were \u201chyper-fixated\u201d on how many thousands of Union soldiers the educators had slaughtered in cold blood. \u201cSo what if my professor was in the Confederate army? I don\u2019t see how that conflicts with his ability to teach me American history.\u201d

\u201cMy thesis advisor actually used
to be one of the \u2018big four\u2019 slave traders in Memphis, and his perspectives on whipping, branding, and forced family separations have been very refreshing,\u201d Weelan added. \u201cWhy should I suffer just because my classmates are overly sensitive Union sympathizers?\u201d

In an open letter to the university, dozens of the Confederate generals\u2019 renowned colleagues, including Professor Heinrich Himmler, Professor Adolf Eichmann, and Professor Emeritus and Harvard Board of Overseers chair Pol Pot, pledged their support, claiming that the administration should not give in to the \u201cwoke\u201d and \u201cradical\u201d agenda of a small fraction of students.

\u201cThese professors consistently receive rave reviews from many of our top-performing Aryan undergraduates,\u201d Garber said. \u201cIt\u2019s a slippery slope. If you fire someone just because they were in the Confederate army, then suddenly you have to fire someone just because they systematically imprisoned and murdered over 6 million Jews and other untermensch in a coordinated campaign across Nazi-occupied Europe. When does it end?\u201d

\u201cAs a wise man once told me, \u2018I wish I was in the land of cotton, old times there are not forgotten,\u2019\u200a\u201d Garber added. \u201c\u200a\u2018Look away, look away, look away, Dixie Land.\u2019\u200a\u201d

", "summary": "

CAMBRIDGE, MA\u2014Insisting any missteps be viewed in the full context of each individual\u2019s contributions to the institution, Harvard University officials defended on Wednesday their decision to keep several confederate generals on the school\u2019s teaching staff.

Last week, Harvard president Alan M. Garber told students in a campus-wide email that he had declined to discipline several dozen tenured professors who held prominent roles in the Confederate army between 1861 and 1865. Despite public backlash, including widespread campus protests and a petition signed by over 10,000 individuals, Garber has reiterated that the faculty members\u2019 involvement in the Stonewall Brigade and the 43rd Battalion of Virginia Cavalry did not violate the university\u2019s code of conduct and only contributed to Harvard\u2019s rich diversity of thought.

\u201cWe assure you, we do not take our decision to employ professors like Gen. Stonewall Jackson and his fellow commanders lightly,\u201d said Garber, adding that the men had pledged to separate their experience fighting gruesome battles along the Mason-Dixon Line from their academic\u00a0studies. \u201cWe understand that some students feel uncomfortable being taught by Professor Jackson because of his significant role in the First Battle of Manassas. But that was 165 years ago.\u201d

\u201cProfessor Jackson is a rigorous academic scholar who has since released most of his slaves,\u201d Garber continued. \u201cWhile it\u2019s a sensitive subject for many students from the North, we hope they can learn to accept it.\u201d

The generals, many of whom have had tenure at the university for more than a century and a half, faced renewed controversy this week when a student leaked a video that showed professor of economics Nathan Bedford Forrest standing at the front of his classroom in a Confederate uniform, calling a student \u201cdirty Yankee,\u201d and saying repeatedly that the South would rise again.

Although Forrest later issued a public apology stating that his actions were inappropriate, many students, alumni, and donors questioned how Confederate professors could claim to be \u201cobjective\u201d while they still openly swore allegiance to Gen. Robert E. Lee, owned cotton plantations, and conceived dozens of children with female slaves.

Several of Forrest\u2019s students, however, felt that their professor was being unfairly persecuted and told reporters he should not lose his tenure simply because he led troops who killed over 300 surrendering Black soldiers during the 1864 Fort Pillow Massacre, or because he was serving as the first grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan at the time he was hired as a lecturer at Harvard College.

\u201cPersonally, I feel that my Confederate professors are better than most of the non-Confederate professors,\u201d said Harvard senior Zach Weelan, who argued that his classmates were \u201chyper-fixated\u201d on how many thousands of Union soldiers the educators had slaughtered in cold blood. \u201cSo what if my professor was in the Confederate army? I don\u2019t see how that conflicts with his ability to teach me American history.\u201d

\u201cMy thesis advisor actually used
to be one of the \u2018big four\u2019 slave traders in Memphis, and his perspectives on whipping, branding, and forced family separations have been very refreshing,\u201d Weelan added. \u201cWhy should I suffer just because my classmates are overly sensitive Union sympathizers?\u201d

In an open letter to the university, dozens of the Confederate generals\u2019 renowned colleagues, including Professor Heinrich Himmler, Professor Adolf Eichmann, and Professor Emeritus and Harvard Board of Overseers chair Pol Pot, pledged their support, claiming that the administration should not give in to the \u201cwoke\u201d and \u201cradical\u201d agenda of a small fraction of students.

\u201cThese professors consistently receive rave reviews from many of our top-performing Aryan undergraduates,\u201d Garber said. \u201cIt\u2019s a slippery slope. If you fire someone just because they were in the Confederate army, then suddenly you have to fire someone just because they systematically imprisoned and murdered over 6 million Jews and other untermensch in a coordinated campaign across Nazi-occupied Europe. When does it end?\u201d

\u201cAs a wise man once told me, \u2018I wish I was in the land of cotton, old times there are not forgotten,\u2019\u200a\u201d Garber added. \u201c\u200a\u2018Look away, look away, look away, Dixie Land.\u2019\u200a\u201d

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/trump-indicates-desire-for-speedy-end-to-world/", "url": "https://theonion.com/trump-indicates-desire-for-speedy-end-to-world/", "external_url": null, "title": "Trump Indicates Desire For Speedy End To World", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

WASHINGTON\u2014Stating that he hoped action in the region would draw to a close in the coming weeks, President Donald Trump made comments Wednesday indicating his desire for a speedy end to the entire world.\u00a0\u201cWe\u2019re getting very close to meeting our objectives as we move toward winding down humanity\u2019s presence on planet Earth,\u201d Trump said during a press conference meant to address concerns over the world\u2019s duration, adding that Americans didn\u2019t want to get bogged down in a protracted existence with no clear end in sight. \u201cIt was never the plan to continue having life go on forever. We\u2019re gonna hit those 8 billion sons of bitches with everything we\u2019ve got and achieve total annihilation for the American people. Frankly, if it weren\u2019t for the Democrats and the fake news media coverage, we could have wrapped this world up and moved on to the void already.\u201d\u00a0Trump went on to acknowledge that the GOP could face heavy midterm losses if the world was allowed to continue through November.

", "summary": "

WASHINGTON\u2014Stating that he hoped action in the region would draw to a close in the coming weeks, President Donald Trump made comments Wednesday indicating his desire for a speedy end to the entire world.\u00a0\u201cWe\u2019re getting very close to meeting our objectives as we move toward winding down humanity\u2019s presence on planet Earth,\u201d Trump said during a press conference meant to address concerns over the world\u2019s duration, adding that Americans didn\u2019t want to get bogged down in a protracted existence with no clear end in sight. \u201cIt was never the plan to continue having life go on forever. We\u2019re gonna hit those 8 billion sons of bitches with everything we\u2019ve got and achieve total annihilation for the American people. Frankly, if it weren\u2019t for the Democrats and the fake news media coverage, we could have wrapped this world up and moved on to the void already.\u201d\u00a0Trump went on to acknowledge that the GOP could face heavy midterm losses if the world was allowed to continue through November.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/maha-voter-feels-betrayed-by-continued-survival-of-own-children/", "url": "https://theonion.com/maha-voter-feels-betrayed-by-continued-survival-of-own-children/", "external_url": null, "title": "MAHA Voter Feels Betrayed \u200a\u200aBy Continued Survival Of Own Children", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

DAYTON, OH\u2014Expressing disappointment with what she described as unfulfilled campaign promises, local Make America Healthy Again voter Sandra Murrow told reporters Tuesday that she felt betrayed by the continued survival of her own children.\u00a0\u201cI voted for Trump because I was sure RFK Jr.\u2019s health policies would put my son and daughter in the dirt on day one, but lately, I\u2019m starting to worry that my kids might make it to adulthood,\u201d said Murrow, adding that in her view, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.\u2019s vaccine skepticism, opposition to water fluoridation, and embrace of raw milk simply hadn\u2019t gone far enough to endanger her kids. \u201cI\u2019ve always been a believer in dismantling public health infrastructure in favor of life-threatening pseudoscience, and I\u2019m starting to feel like the GOP used that to take advantage of me with a bunch of hollow campaign-trail bluster.\u201d\u00a0\u201cI had assumed this administration would take a much more active role in killing my children, but those measles outbreaks still haven\u2019t made it to our school district,\u201d she continued. \u201cI voted for mass childhood mortality, dammit! How dare they tell me to be patient while my kids are thriving? If more children don\u2019t start dying soon, Republicans are going to see a massive midterm backlash from parents like me who were expecting to be bereaved by now.\u201d\u00a0Murrow went on to state that she was considering moving her family to a place like Gaza or Iran where the American government takes killing children seriously.\u00a0

", "summary": "

DAYTON, OH\u2014Expressing disappointment with what she described as unfulfilled campaign promises, local Make America Healthy Again voter Sandra Murrow told reporters Tuesday that she felt betrayed by the continued survival of her own children.\u00a0\u201cI voted for Trump because I was sure RFK Jr.\u2019s health policies would put my son and daughter in the dirt on day one, but lately, I\u2019m starting to worry that my kids might make it to adulthood,\u201d said Murrow, adding that in her view, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.\u2019s vaccine skepticism, opposition to water fluoridation, and embrace of raw milk simply hadn\u2019t gone far enough to endanger her kids. \u201cI\u2019ve always been a believer in dismantling public health infrastructure in favor of life-threatening pseudoscience, and I\u2019m starting to feel like the GOP used that to take advantage of me with a bunch of hollow campaign-trail bluster.\u201d\u00a0\u201cI had assumed this administration would take a much more active role in killing my children, but those measles outbreaks still haven\u2019t made it to our school district,\u201d she continued. \u201cI voted for mass childhood mortality, dammit! How dare they tell me to be patient while my kids are thriving? If more children don\u2019t start dying soon, Republicans are going to see a massive midterm backlash from parents like me who were expecting to be bereaved by now.\u201d\u00a0Murrow went on to state that she was considering moving her family to a place like Gaza or Iran where the American government takes killing children seriously.\u00a0

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/streaming-vs-theaters/", "url": "https://theonion.com/streaming-vs-theaters/", "external_url": null, "title": "Streaming vs. Theaters", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

More Americans than ever are choosing to watch movies at home rather than going out to the theater. The Onion lays out the drawbacks and benefits of both experiences.

Concessions:\u00a0
Streaming:\u00a0 790 calories of stale crackers, spoonfuls of peanut butter, and shredded cheese.\u00a0
Theaters: 790 calories of whatever 16-year-old theater employee didn\u2019t confiscate.\u00a0

Size Of Vin Diesel\u2019s Head:\u00a0
Streaming: Unacceptably small
Theaters: Gigantic, as God meant for it to be seen

Sound Quality:\u00a0
Streaming: Tough to hear dialogue while cooking, vacuuming, and practicing drums\u00a0
Theaters: Dental fillings shaken loose by sound of Coca-Cola ad

Screen Size:\u00a0
Streaming: A giant 55 inches\u00a0
Theaters: A middling 50 feet

Get To Walk By Pottery Barn Before Watching:\u00a0
Streaming: Rarely\u00a0
Theaters: Often\u00a0\u00a0

Worst Annoyance: \u00a0
Streaming: Constant buffering\u00a0
Theaters: Constant gunfire

Drawbacks:\u00a0
Streaming: Rarely finish movie without encountering distraction\u00a0
Theaters: Forced to finish movie without any distractions

Glen Powell:\u00a0
Streaming: Yup, he\u2019s here.\u00a0
Theaters: Plenty of Powell here, too.

Thing You Wanted To See:\u00a0
Streaming: Unavailable\u00a0
Theaters: Sold Out

Dynamically Inserted Ads:\u00a0
Streaming: In Use\u00a0
Theaters: Just You Wait

Way To Cheat The System:\u00a0
Streaming: Use friend\u2019s login\u00a0
Theaters: Wear homemade mask to resemble AMC Stubs member\u00a0

Quality Of Films:\u00a0
Streaming: Terrible, formulaic movies made with shoestring budgets\u00a0
Theaters: Terrible, formulaic movies made with $100 million budgets

Feeling Afterward:\u00a0
Streaming: Wish you saw it in a theater
Theaters: Wish you just stayed home

", "summary": "

More Americans than ever are choosing to watch movies at home rather than going out to the theater. The Onion lays out the drawbacks and benefits of both experiences.

Concessions:\u00a0
Streaming:\u00a0 790 calories of stale crackers, spoonfuls of peanut butter, and shredded cheese.\u00a0
Theaters: 790 calories of whatever 16-year-old theater employee didn\u2019t confiscate.\u00a0

Size Of Vin Diesel\u2019s Head:\u00a0
Streaming: Unacceptably small
Theaters: Gigantic, as God meant for it to be seen

Sound Quality:\u00a0
Streaming: Tough to hear dialogue while cooking, vacuuming, and practicing drums\u00a0
Theaters: Dental fillings shaken loose by sound of Coca-Cola ad

Screen Size:\u00a0
Streaming: A giant 55 inches\u00a0
Theaters: A middling 50 feet

Get To Walk By Pottery Barn Before Watching:\u00a0
Streaming: Rarely\u00a0
Theaters: Often\u00a0\u00a0

Worst Annoyance: \u00a0
Streaming: Constant buffering\u00a0
Theaters: Constant gunfire

Drawbacks:\u00a0
Streaming: Rarely finish movie without encountering distraction\u00a0
Theaters: Forced to finish movie without any distractions

Glen Powell:\u00a0
Streaming: Yup, he\u2019s here.\u00a0
Theaters: Plenty of Powell here, too.

Thing You Wanted To See:\u00a0
Streaming: Unavailable\u00a0
Theaters: Sold Out

Dynamically Inserted Ads:\u00a0
Streaming: In Use\u00a0
Theaters: Just You Wait

Way To Cheat The System:\u00a0
Streaming: Use friend\u2019s login\u00a0
Theaters: Wear homemade mask to resemble AMC Stubs member\u00a0

Quality Of Films:\u00a0
Streaming: Terrible, formulaic movies made with shoestring budgets\u00a0
Theaters: Terrible, formulaic movies made with $100 million budgets

Feeling Afterward:\u00a0
Streaming: Wish you saw it in a theater
Theaters: Wish you just stayed home

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/damn-it-moms-totally-going-to-make-you-host-christmas-now/", "url": "https://theonion.com/damn-it-moms-totally-going-to-make-you-host-christmas-now/", "external_url": null, "title": "Damn It, Mom\u2019s Totally Going To Make You Host Christmas Now", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

A large airy kitchen like this, with ample room for seating? Mom\u2019s definitely going to say it\u2019s time for your generation to start hosting holidays.

Reference #33813

", "summary": "

A large airy kitchen like this, with ample room for seating? Mom\u2019s definitely going to say it\u2019s time for your generation to start hosting holidays.

Reference #33813

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/anya-lopez-and-sara-jarrett/", "url": "https://theonion.com/anya-lopez-and-sara-jarrett/", "external_url": null, "title": "Anya Lopez and Sara Jarrett", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

The two tied the knot after four years of dating and three years of Jarrett carefully excavating every slice of cake she received to look for a ring.

", "summary": "

The two tied the knot after four years of dating and three years of Jarrett carefully excavating every slice of cake she received to look for a ring.

", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}, {"id": "https://theonion.com/anti-vaxxer-dating-app-gaining-popularity/", "url": "https://theonion.com/anti-vaxxer-dating-app-gaining-popularity/", "external_url": null, "title": "Anti-Vaxxer Dating App Gaining Popularity", "content_text": "", "content_html": "

Unjected, a dating app for unvaccinated people that began in 2021, has been gaining popularity, currently boasting 65,000 active users. What do you think?

\"\"

\u201cPerfect, I\u2019ve been looking for something more short-term.\u201d

David Yee, Systems Analyst
\"\"

\u201cWhat a fun \u2018how we met\u2019 story to tell your kids if they get older.\u201d

Ella Abrams, Tortilla Steamer
\"\"

\u201cI am riddled with plague and absolutely cleaning up.\u201d

Howard Gautier, Hook Baiter
", "summary": "

Unjected, a dating app for unvaccinated people that began in 2021, has been gaining popularity, currently boasting 65,000 active users. What do you think?

\"\"

\u201cPerfect, I\u2019ve been looking for something more short-term.\u201d

David Yee, Systems Analyst
\"\"

\u201cWhat a fun \u2018how we met\u2019 story to tell your kids if they get older.\u201d

Ella Abrams, Tortilla Steamer
\"\"

\u201cI am riddled with plague and absolutely cleaning up.\u201d

Howard Gautier, Hook Baiter
", "image": null, "banner_image": null, "date_published": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "date_modified": "2026-07-01T05:00:00Z", "authors": ["Unknown"], "tags": [], "language": null, "attachments": ["\n {\"url\": string, \n 'mime_type': string, \n 'title': strinrg,\n 'size_in_bytes': int,\n 'duration_in_seconds': int\n "]}]}