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Zeus Lands Cameo Role As Trojan Soldier In ‘The Odyssey’

2026-06-05T06:08:11+00:00

LOS ANGELES—Sending fans of Greek mythology into a frenzy on social media, The Odyssey director Christopher Nolan confirmed Friday that god of sky and thunder Zeus had landed a cameo role in the film as a Trojan soldier. “Yes, that was indeed the King of Gods that observant viewers spotted on the battlefield in the latest trailer,” said Nolan, adding that the supreme deity had instant chemistry with Matt Damon and Benny Safdie while filming his scene for the highly anticipated action epic. “Zeus and I have been friends since the early 2000s, when he reached out to tell me how much he enjoyed Memento. Then last year we were hanging out on set in Morocco, and he seemed interested in reliving the Trojan War, so I said, ‘What the heck, put a helmet on and get out there with your lightning bolt.’ The crew was a bit intimidated when he threatened to flood the world over a cue mishap, but he didn’t smite a single person.” At press time, sources confirmed Nolan had cut the cameo after deciding that renewed public scrutiny over Zeus’ extramarital affairs with nymphs, goddesses, and mortals would be a distraction from the film.

Biggest Revelations From Jill Biden’s New Memoir

2026-06-05T06:05:02+00:00

Jill Biden has released View From The East Wing, a memoir detailing her time as first lady of the United States. Here are the book’s biggest revelations:

Knew from first time she met Joe that he had what it takes to become president, succumb to hubris, and be publicly humiliated

Would feed pieces of Secret Service member flesh under table to Major Biden

Raised agnostic, despite seeing her dad hit an angel with his truck

Taught English to help pay the outrageous White House rent

Regrets downplaying her husband’s health issues after seeing him sneeze out his whole skeleton

Wouldn’t say no to joint Netflix deal like one Barack and Michelle got

Couldn’t help feeling relieved that Hunter’s substance abuse distracted from her own harrowing meth addiction saga

Voted for Bernie twice

Expects to be single and primed for sexual journey within five years

What Are We Donating To Goodwill?

2026-06-05T05:00:00+00:00

Diana Yanko

2026-06-05T05:00:00+00:00

Diana Yanko, 61, died on Tuesday after an AI incorrectly filed her charts, another AI denied her claim, and a third AI turned off her life support.

Mom Disappointed Kids Not Coming Home For National Donut Day

2026-06-05T05:00:00+00:00

Man Plans To Climb Mount Kilimanjaro For 90th Birthday

2026-06-05T05:00:00+00:00

An 89-year-old Los Angeles resident plans to climb Mount Kilimanjaro for his 90th birthday this summer, which would make him the oldest person to ever summit Africa’s highest mountain. What do you think?

“Good luck keeping the birthday candles lit, idiot.”
Jake Velasco, Paperwork Processor

“Is there anything the elderly can’t plan?”
Desmond Isles, Chair Folder

“Aw, what’s wrong? Too old for Everest?”
Tatiana Kowalska, Lip Piercer

Slipknot Orders Trump To Stop Using Their Masks During Rallies

2026-06-05T02:00:00+00:00

DES MOINES, IA—Joining a long line of musicians who have threatened legal action against the commander-in-chief, nu-metal band Slipknot issued a public statement Tuesday demanding President Donald Trump stop using their masks during his rallies. “Donald Trump’s vile, evil agenda is not at all aligned with what our terrifying masks represent,” frontman Corey Taylor wrote on X in response to a video the White House posted of Trump waving to the crowd at a rally as he walked out on stage in an expressionless gray mask covered in oozing wounds, black sutures, and dreadlocks made of rope. “We are sickened to see what is supposed to be a celebration of each band member’s inner demon being used to promote such dark and hateful rhetoric. We’ve already been in contact with our lawyers and will not hesitate to pursue all legal remedies should he use our disfigured clown masks or long-nosed gimp suits to advance his disturbing viewpoints in the future.” Taylor went on to state that the band told former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush the same thing in 2016 when he wanted to use their mutant pig boy persona to announce his presidential campaign.

Phoebe Bridgers Concertgoer Dips Into Bathroom To Snort Line Of Zoloft

2026-06-04T16:30:00+00:00

Trump Orders Advanced Federal Review Of Frontier AI Models

2026-06-04T13:28:27+00:00

President Donald Trump signed an executive order for AI companies to provide the federal government early access to their newest models, an effort to weigh national and cybersecurity risks before they reach market. What do you think?

“He should also require Frito-Lay to give him early access to new Doritos flavors.”
Bertha Monk, Avocado Pitter

“There’s no one I’d trust more with something I understand less.”
Rudy Porihis, Canister Filler

“Yeah, I heard he’s got the new Xbox, too.”
Antoine Duffield, Boat Christener

Department Of Labor Cracks Down On People Getting Paid For Work

2026-06-04T11:43:43+00:00

WASHINGTON—Adopting a tougher stance against the increasingly widespread form of workplace corruption, U.S. Department of Labor officials announced plans Thursday to crack down on people getting paid for their work. “For far too long, the practice of receiving money for services has gone unchecked, and today we’re turning over evidence to the attorney general so that individuals complicit in such activities can be prosecuted,” said acting Labor Secretary Keith Sonderling, noting that Americans found guilty of accepting paychecks, healthcare benefits, retirement fund contributions, or other financial compensation from their employers could face up to 40 years in federal prison. “These are hardened criminals, and we do not treat their malfeasance lightly. Some of those under investigation have been conducting ‘work-for-pay’ schemes for decades. Rest assured, if you have accepted so much as a nickel for a spreadsheet filled or a yard mowed, we will find you, and we will bring you to justice.” At press time, Department of Labor investigators had reportedly uncovered a massive “minimum wage” racket believed to stretch across the entire country.

Trump Diverts All Science Funding Into Locating The Smurfs

2026-06-04T10:56:50+00:00

WASHINGTON—Instituting a massive overhaul to the federal government’s scientific grant system in order to find the mythical cartoon characters, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he would be diverting all science funding into locating The Smurfs. “These are very bad tiny blue people, and we gotta kill these Smurfs immediately—I don’t care how many vaccine trials I have to cancel,” said Trump, signaling an end to all ongoing cancer research in order to “harness the magic” that the Smurfs control. “We are working closely with Gargamel, who will be given full access to any weaponry or troops he may need in his quest, and I promise you we won’t need any studies into reversing Alzheimer’s once we have the very beautiful lady Smurf in our grasp, which will be very soon. We have all the reports showing that Brainy Smurf is just weeks away from enriching uranium, and that is a threat to our freedom we simply will not tolerate.” At press time, the president blamed “bad intelligence” after a missile strike targeting Papa Smurf’s mushroom home accidentally destroyed a nearby school full of Borrowers.

What To Know About ‘Backrooms’

2026-06-04T09:26:36+00:00

In a record-breaking opening weekend for A24, horror movie Backrooms brought in $81 million at the domestic box office. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the Kane Parsons film.

Q: Is this the first major motion picture based on a YouTube video?

A: Not quite. Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker was based on a seven-hour video essay titled “FUCK RIAN JOHNSON.”

Q: Who is in it?

A: That actor from that other movie, plus the guy from that thing.

Q: Is it true Kane Parsons is the youngest director in history to reach No. 1 at the box office?

A: Technically, yes, but mentally, Zack Snyder is still younger.

Q: What’s so scary about a bunch of carpeted yellow rooms?

A: Just imagine how long they must take to vacuum.

Q: What is 4chan, the site where the Backrooms lore originated?

A: The reason you’ll die in a mass shooting watching Backrooms.

Q: Will Backrooms make sense for viewers unfamiliar with its lore?

A: Movies aren’t supposed to make sense, they’re supposed to make money.

Q: Are there any jumpscares?

A: At one point, the Property Brothers pop out to share some tips for improving light in extradimensional rooms without windows.

Tom Holland Wakes Up From Terrible Nightmare Where Jenners Almost Got Him

2026-06-04T05:00:00+00:00

LONDON—Bolting upright in bed in a cold sweat, actor Tom Holland reportedly woke up from a terrible nightmare Thursday in which the Jenners almost got him. “Oh my God, it was awful—they were bearing down on me, and I screamed and screamed, but no sound came out,” said Holland, who was still trembling as he recalled the “petrifying” dream about reality stars Kylie, Kendall, and Kris Jenner to his partner Zendaya in vivid, ghastly detail. “I was on a red carpet and you were there, but it wasn’t you. You had their heads. And then I looked down and I was wearing a chartreuse pleather suit, and then you were also wearing a chartreuse pleather suit. And then Jacob Elordi appeared, and he said, ‘You go ahead. I’ll hold them off.’” At press time, sources reported that Zendaya was attempting to comfort Tom Holland by assuring him there was no such thing as Los Angeles.

Kash Patel’s Eyes Fall Out

2026-06-04T05:00:00+00:00

Alisa Schonfeld and Michael Coopersmith

2026-06-04T05:00:00+00:00

Wedding vows were exchanged Sunday under the eyes of God, despite the fact that He wasn’t invited.

College Professor Pretty Sure Student Using AI To Refuse Advances

2026-06-04T05:00:00+00:00

EAST LANSING, MI—Calling the 21-year-old’s replies to his emails and text messages “rote” and “overly formal,” local professor Lowell Sterbenz told reporters Friday he was “pretty sure” student Evelyn Atwater was using AI to refuse his sexual advances. “It really is a shame with these undergrads these days,” said the 63-year-old Sterbenz, an art history professor at Michigan State University, noting that Atwater’s written responses to his invitations were remarkably similar to those of other young women who had rejected him this semester, including two who were in her class. “The previous generations never would have turned down a cozy dinner or one-on-one weekend getaway to my Traverse City lake house like this. ‘While I do enjoy drinking wine, I unfortunately have other obligations that night’ is just so plainly robotic. It’s got to be ChatGPT. Who talks like that? A human would say, ‘That sounds amazing, Lowell. I can’t wait to see that Delvaux you have hanging in the bedroom. You’re the best mentor ever.’ Do these young people really have no shame?” Sterbenz added that his suspicions regrettably left him with no choice but to report Atwater to the Office of Academic Integrity.

FCC To Investigate TV Shows Where The Mom Has Job

2026-06-04T05:00:00+00:00

WASHINGTON—Saying it had been forced to take action against networks that refused to change their conduct, the Federal Communications Commission announced Monday it would investigate broadcasters of TV shows where the mom has a job. “It has come to our attention that the public airwaves have been used to transmit indecent images of female characters who have both children and jobs—and in some cases are even a family’s breadwinner,” said FCC Commissioner Brendan Carr, claiming such programs were not in compliance with new guidelines that require fictional mothers to be breastfeeding off-screen for at least two-thirds of an episode’s duration. “It is a violation of broadcast codes for these women to be shown outside the home at all, unless it is at a grocery store or a church. Moving forward, every mother who appears on camera must be holding a child in every single frame or we will revoke the licenses of the offending stations.” Carr added that the FCC would also levy fines against any show portraying young girls attending school.

White House Doctor Claims Trump A Perfectly Healthy 9-Foot-Tall 35-Year Old

2026-06-03T08:03:43+00:00

WASHINGTON—Assuring Americans that a routine medical exam had confirmed the president had no pressing health concerns, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, claimed Wednesday that Donald Trump was a perfectly healthy 9-foot-tall 35-year-old. “After concluding his physical, I can say with confidence that President Trump exhibits normal vitals for a titanic behemoth born in 1991,” Barbabella told reporters, adding that the commander-in-chief’s cardiovascular health was so exemplary that he had finally cracked the three-minute mile. “I can also say that, contrary to some negative health speculations in the press, the president’s capacity to levitate two feet off the ground is undiminished. And in my professional opinion, his pyrokinetic abilities have surpassed those of any world leader in history.” Barbabella went on to state that Trump’s dunking skills remained at NBA-level.

‘Victens Wemponyaga’ Begins Promising Kendrick Perkins Sentence

2026-06-03T07:30:55+00:00

Heaven’s Gate Members Enjoy 29th Euphoric Year On Highest Plane Of Existence

2026-06-03T05:00:00+00:00

THE NEXT LEVEL—Still reaping the benefits of a mass suicide timed to coincide with the arrival of the Hale–Bopp comet, members of the Heaven’s Gate cult told reporters Friday they were looking forward to this month’s anniversary celebration of their 29th euphoric year on the highest plane of existence. “Shedding my human vehicle and transcending to a higher evolutionary level was the best decision I ever made,” said Heaven’s Gate member Sam Clybourne, adding that while he may have been nervous about participating in a ritual that required him to consume phenobarbital-laced apple sauce, drink vodka, and then asphyxiate himself with a plastic bag, his travels aboard a comet-trailing UFO had made it all worthwhile. “It’s great up here, what can I say? I’m living in a utopic realm of superhuman perfection, and my new alien body is incorruptible, genderless, and free from all suffering. It’s nothing but pure bliss every day! Plus, I still get to wear my Nike Decades all the time.” Heaven’s Gate members confirmed everyone was welcome to join them in eternal ecstasy when the Hale–Bopp comet next passed Earth in 4385.